By Dr. Z.
Success in life and business is driven mostly by trust. Trust is needed to initiate and sustain relationships, collaborate with peers, negotiate deals, increase sales, and succeed as a leader. In fact, if people do not trust you, you will not be able to reach your highest potential. The problem is, many people do not have the trust of others, and some are clueless as to why. The purpose of this article is to help readers build self-awareness toward trustworthiness by providing 10 big reasons that people are reluctant to trust. In a nutshell, the reasons are:
- Your backstory is sketchy and way too elaborate.
- You break promises.
- You lie all the time.
- Your story always changes.
- Your friends and family do not stand by you.
- Your phony self-image do not match your reality.
- You have very little integrity.
- Your hands are dirty.
- You lack confidence.
- You lack competence.
The details for each of these reasons are provided below.
1. Your backstory is sketchy and way too elaborate.
Nothing says “load of crock” like a backstory that has too much going on. If one person tells you a backstory with 25 other embedded story lines, you can be sure that there are just as many holes in that back story. Which statement sounds more believable? “I was born in New Jersey and grew up in New York…”; or, “I was born in East Orange New Jersey, and moved to Teaneck. My parents hated it so they sent me to New York, and soon followed; at which time, we settled in Brooklyn before moving out to Poughkeepsie , and later back to westcher…” The latter story is too sketchy with too many elaborations, to the point of being unbelievable.
Moral: Keep it simple light and people will trust you.
2. You break promises.
If you are a promise breaker, then people will never trust you. We are not talking about political promises. People already know that those promises will mostly be broken. Here, we are talking about those day-to-day promises. If you say that you will call back, then do it. If you say that you are going to meet a deadline, then meet it. If your kid gives you a Christmas list, do what you can to get much of the stuff that is actually on the list. And, if you cannot keep these promises, say it upfront and modify the obligation.
Moral: Make only the promises that you can keep, then keep them.
3. You lie all the time.
This is a no brainer. Yet, people truly believe that they need only to get better at lying to be trusted more. If you have told many lies in the past, people are less likely to trust you in the present. We are not talking about the kind of white lies that make people feel good. People love hearing that they look younger, or that the half burnt meal that they prepared is delicious. Being brutally honest in those situations do not make you trustworthy, but more like a jerk. We are talking about the kinds of lies that changes the narrative in important situations. These are the kinds of lies that make people think or say things like: “Hmm, something does not add up.” “I am not sure I believe that.” “I am not falling for that one.” “Is that even possible?” “There is no way that can be true.”
Moral: The point is people can sense that you are lying, so stop doing it.
4. Your story always changes.
People will not trust you if your narrative, ideas, stories, or recollections changes with each recap. One of the greatest skills one can develop is catching lies. We have an article that is devoted to detecting lies without forensic training, which can be found at the link provided. One such skill involves listening for inconsistencies when someone repeats an unbelievable story. Police detectives love to make their suspects repeat information for the sole purpose of identifying irregular or inconsistent details. Also, many of us have had experiences where we have asked someone about story that they could not even remember. In these cases, the stories were likely fabricated in the first place, making them hard for the liars to remember.
Moral: The truth needs no rehearsal. Be honest the first time, and people will trust you. Simply put, tell the truth.
5. Your friends and family do not stand by you.
Your friends, family, and close associates tell people most of what they want to know about you. Other people will inevitably take their cues about you from them. For example, If your spouse and children are disrespectful toward you, then people seeing this will not trust you to lead or set examples for them. If your friends roll their eyes when you are talking, it tells everyone else If, for whatever reason, they do not like you and cannot trust you, no one else will either.
Moral: Treat your friends and family with honor and respect, and they will trust you, as well as others.
6. Your phony self-image does not match your reality.
Pay close attention to this point. If your current reality does not match the self-image that you are promoting, then not only will you have an emotional imbalance, but also other people will not trust you. For example, you drive a luxury car, but cannot afford to fill your tank with gas. You act like a middle-class homeowner with good financial standing, but your garage door has been broken for 4 years. You present yourself as a desirable romantic catch, but you have had 5 big breakups in the last 2 years. You tell people you wrestled in high school, but cannot demonstrate the Nelson Hold, and have no trophies to show for it. You say you have THE solution, but there are no results to back that claim up. You are the bigshot paying for dinner, but your card gets declined. In short, your fantasy does not match your reality.
Moral: Keep it real. People will trust you a lot more if you are honest about who are and where you are in life. People can relate to that.
7. You have very little integrity.
People may have a hard time trusting you if your poor integrity. This may involve being dishonest out of fear of consequences, or having poor moral reasoning when faced with difficult life choices. People who have poor integrity are likely to do whatever it takes to succeed or survive, even if it means breaking laws and violating the rights of others. If you are this person, it is only a matter of time before people find out who you really are. At that point, your credibility will be shot.
Moral: It is not too late to do the right thing. Start choosing the moral high ground.
8. Your hands are dirty.
Dirty hands refer to any willing involvement in scandal, unlawful activity, unethical practices, or immoral behavior. You have dirty hands, you will eventually be exposed, at which point, people will distance themselves. The larger majority of people simply will not trust you once they know that a scandal is brewing around you.
Moral: keep your hands clean and scandal-free. Be blameless.
9. You lack competence.
Expert power goes a long way. When you are a recognized expert in any given field, you are also a respected and trusted source within that field. There are two main ways to build expert power. The first is through study, and the second is through practice. When you lack knowledge and expertise in on a specific subject matter, you will not be trusted on the issue. So, keep learning and working on your craft.
10. You lack confidence.
Confidence can be described as an ability to trust in one’s self especially in difficult circumstances. At the core, people who lack confidence do not trust themselves to perform well in any given situation. As a result, others do not trust them. Imagine riding in a car with a driver who drives with fear and apprehension. Because the driver lacks confidence in his own abilities, you will probably not want to ride with him in the future. The same applies here. If you lack confidence, your ability to gain others’ trust will be impaired at best.
Moral: Build your confidence. A great way to build your confidence is to start trusting your gut, your thoughts and feelings, your ideas, your knowledge, and your past experiences. Fan out your feathers like a peacock and show the world that you believe in what you are doing. Remember, greater confidence leads to greater trust.
photo by Caroline Veronez from Unsplash