By Dr. Z
How should we deal with conflict? People often pursue peace and positive relationships by avoiding conflict. This is a reasonable course of action because conflict is usually unpleasant and is typically viewed as negative and destructive. In fact, conflict is often used synonymously with other negative relational constructs such as tension, animosity, and fighting. However, important distinctions need to be clarified between these terms. Conflict is simply defined as any degree of difference in preferences, perspectives, ideas, interests, or values. When there is conflict, there are opportunities to resolve it in a number of positive cooperative ways. On the other hand, tension is a symptom of conflict. Tension involves any degree of discomfort around the conflicting issues. Tension is likely to emerge and intensify if the conflict is not resolved. Animosity may occur if conflicts are mishandled, or the tension is ignored. Lastly, fights are an indication that the issue has escalated beyond the conflict and has reached the point of animosity. Fights ensue when tension and animosity have boiled over. At that point, the parties involved in the conflict are no longer interested in airing and resolving differences. Instead, they are oppositionally focused on winning the war.
We argue that it is a mistake to avoid conflict, particularly since conflict is inevitable, necessary, and serves healthy purposes in our lives. Moreover, conflict does not ever need to escalate to the point of tension, animosity, and fighting. The way we handle conflict will ultimately determine the quality of our relationships and effectiveness as individuals. So, the aim of this article is to explore positive and EMPOWERing ways to use conflict to your advantage. Consider the following:
- Conflict can be used to teach important lessons.
- Conflict can be used to improve decision making.
- Conflict can be used to identify problems.
- Conflict can be used to encourage solutions.
- Conflict can be used as an improvement tool.
- Conflict can be used to influence positive change
These conflict utility techniques are explored below.
1. Using Conflict to Teach Important Lessons
Whenever and wherever there are conflicts, there are also teaching moments. We believe that conflicting differences are necessary to teach us about other people, other, cultures, various ideas, and different values. When we come in contact with these differences, we gain an advantage by closing gaps in our knowledge. In turn, we can embrace conflict and use our knowledge of differences to teach others. The conflict that comes with differences that we experience also allows us to teach others our own values, ideas, and experiences. In fact, one of the great ways to bridge gaps with others is to reach out to them to learn their perspectives while teaching your own. In this way, conflict not only teaches important lessons but also helps to foster gratitude and appreciation among conflicting parties.
2. Using Conflict for Decision Making
Conflict forces us to make good decisions. We are actually more likely to make better decisions when there are conflicting differences and ideas. Psychological research and historical events has revealed decision-making fiascoes that occur when there is very little conflict within an overly harmonious group attempting to make important decisions. This phenomenon is known as “Groupthink”, in which the group favors harmony and conformity over conflicting ideas. The fact is, those conflicting ideas are necessary for selecting great ideas while vetting bad ideas. So, when important decisions need to be made, open the floor to any conflict.
3. Using Conflict for Problem Identification
One of the most important uses of conflict is to identify problems. Conflicts between people and groups signify important problems that need to be identified. If the problems are not found and examined soon enough, they can ultimately destroy relationships. So, explore any conflict as a means of identifying problems and needs.
4. Using Conflict to Encourage Solutions
Just as conflict can help us to identify problems, conflict also helps us find solutions. One of my favorite things to do in conflict situations is to encourage the conflicting parties to openly air their differences. As people communicate about their problems, their conflicting ideas, and their dilemmas, they give you obvious clues to their perspectives. These perspectives allow for the kind of dialogue that promotes an understanding of what the underlying problems are. In a problem-solving sequence, we can do the following:
- Explore the conflict
- Identify the problems within the conflicts,
- Examine the issues associated with the problems
- Listen for perspectives within the issues
- Collaborate with the conflicting parties to explore solutions
The point here is, we cannot solve problems by avoiding conflict. Instead, we have to embrace and use the existing conflict to gather information that is needed to solve problems.
5. Using Conflict as an Improvement Tool
Conflict can ultimately be used to improve the quality of the systems, processes, organizations, and people around us. Just as we believe that there is no gain without pain, there is also no improvement without some form of conflict. This is age-old wisdom rooted in natural science. For example, King Solomon pointed out that iron sharpens iron. Also, ancient humankind used primitive sanding stones to smoothen rough surfaces. Coal becomes precious diamonds with extreme heat and pressure. Beautiful breathtaking canyons were carved by frozen glaciers pushing through the landscape. And, painful rigorous physical activities shapes and strengthens the body. In short, nature used friction, abrasion, strenuous effort, and pressure to turn ordinary matter into objects of splendor and beauty. In the same way, conflict can be used to improve circumstances. One of the greatest ways to achieve this is by confronting issues as they arise. People who have the courage to confront dysfunction are most likely to achieve a well balanced and healthy system. So, wherever there is conflict, there is an opportunity for improvement.
6. Using Conflict to Influence Positive Change
Ultimately, conflict can be used as a catalyst for positive change. Stated differently, if there is no conflict there is no change. For example, the first step to self-improvement is to acknowledge the conflicts within and make choices toward positive change. Also, every relationship has issues rooted in a series of conflicts; yet, by working through those conflicts, the people within those relationships will grow closer. A dysfunctional organization can turn things around for the better, which begins with communicating about the conflicts within the organization. From the time children are born, they negotiate a series of stage=based conflicts toward healthy growth and maturity. And, conflict within a given society can be resolved to improve conditions within that society. This point is best illustrated by historic social justice movements and revolutions that eventually led to freedom, independence, liberation, unity, respect, and peace. However, positive change will never happen without some degree of conflict and resolution of that conflict.
Photo by Hidde Rensink from Unsplash