by Dr. Sophia Miranda
Adapted from Nancy Suvacar
Over the years, I have become an expert at understanding different people, a “Scholar of People” of sorts. Being a scholar of people, I have particularly learned to observe and understand toxic people’s behavior before engaging with them. However, I have had an experienced that opened me to a whole new understanding of toxic people. I had a wonderful conversation with Nancy Suvacar, in which she shared 5 unique perspectives for dealing with toxic people, based on her life experiences. Her insights were so profound, that I wrote this article to share these empowering perspectives with all of you. These perspectives can be applied to your personal or professional relationships and situations. Before sharing the perspectives, let’s review the list of characteristics of toxic people.
- Toxic People are Argumentative and Combative
- Toxic People are Impulsive and have Poor Judgment
- Toxic People are Helpless and/or Overly Dependent (or at least pretend to be)
- Toxic People are Manipulative or even Coercive
- Toxic People are Narcissistic and Self-Centered
- Toxic People have a Fixed Mindset and are Close-Minded
- Toxic People are Miserable and are Looking for Company
- Toxic People are Involved in Scandal
- Toxic People have no Regard for Consequences
- Toxic People are Cynical and Immature
- Toxic People are Paranoid and Distrustful
- Toxic People are Irresponsible and Disorganized
- Toxic People are Negative and Discouraging
- Toxic People are Destructive
- Toxic People have No Boundaries
- And the list goes on…
The following insights will empower you against toxic people
1. Never try to fix Toxic people
Do not try to fix toxic people. It will not be possible. You will have better luck putting toothpaste back in the tube, un-shooting an arrow, or reassembling a broken egg than you will have fixing a toxic person. You can solve problems, repair things, and heal sicknesses, but you cannot fix a toxic person. Only they can do that, through growth, maturity, and healthy choices. It doesn’t mean you do not feel for them. Instead, by not trying to fix them, you are recognizing their individuality and freedom of choice and change. The fact is, you do not hold the antidote to the toxicity of a toxic person. Nevertheless, you do have the vaccine, which is to avoid them entirely. This brings us to our next point there is an antidote.
2. Avoid Engaging in Toxic Behavior
Do not ever engage a toxic person ’s behavior, because to engage is to further supply to their illness. It’s like supplying a drug addict with drugs, putting fuel on the fire, or aiming a fire hose at a flood. Your involvement and engagement will only add to the toxicity, and worse, you will lose your footing and fall into their poison. So, not only should you disengage any toxic behavior, but you should also avoid toxic people whenever possible.
3. Keep your wits about you.
Be smart about your interactions with toxic people. Handle them in an intelligent way. It is like practicing emotional aikido. You want to see the mess coming and deflect it, never becoming a part of the toxic system. The fact is, toxic people will try to convince you that you are at fault for their toxicity, you are not smart enough to understand them, and that you simply do not compare to them. It is time to reject all of that manipulation. Keep your wits, know that you are more than enough, and put them in their place, which is out of your life.
4. Set healthy and strong boundaries.
Toxic people are really good at crossing boundaries. They may ask too many questions, give too much information to barter for your information, get too close to you or your loved ones, engage in uncomfortable conversations with you, harass you, or tell you what to do. So, you can set stop much of the toxic behavior by setting healthy boundaries. Some healthy boundaries include:
- Not letting people define you
- Not telling all
- Saying no quickly and often
- Keeping your distance from toxic situations
- Putting yourself first
- Protecting your space
- Defining your role
- Speaking up for yourself
Keep your boundaries up and toxic people out.
5. Be Observant, Not Reactive
When you witness or personally experience toxic behavior, observe, don’t react. Your observation will help you to remain objective, make a non-judgmental assessment, and then proceed forward in a more informed way, Being reactive will only place you directly in the line of fire, and you will ultimately become a part of the dysfunctional system. So, observe without reacting to toxicity.
6. Pray for Toxic People- At a Distance
We started by stating that you cannot fix toxic people and that you should avoid them. This is still true. However, you can pray for them, from a distance, and let God do the healing.
These are very practical and can help anyone who is trying to overcome toxic and unhealthy situations.
Edited by Dr. Z.
Featured image by Thomas Drouault from Unsplash.