By Dr. Z.

Everyone deserves to live a healthy happy life, free of undue drama, discord, and stress.  We are equally deserving of a life filled with love, sharing, and trust.  We want to exchange our best, for the best in others.  However, there is a strong chance that we may encounter people who are self-focused to the point of destroying our peace and happiness.  Such people may create chaos, absorb our energies, and drown us in their endless pit of needs and selfish desires.   In any situation, they are bound to say:

• Focus on me.
• What about me?
• What can I get you to do for me?
• How can you serve me?
• What can you give me?
• What’s in it for me?
• How does this make me look?
• I need you to help me.

Narcissists people are typically narcissists, who cannot see past their own existence to relate well with others.   Drawing on sources such as the DSM-5 and Psychology Today, narcissists may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which can typically be recognized by the following characteristics

• Self Importance
• Fantasies  of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance
• Believes that they are special, associating only with others believed to be special
• Constant attention and admiration seeking behaviors
• Unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of favorable treatment
• Takes advantage of others for their own goals
• Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
• Envies  others or believes others and thinks others are envious toward them
• Arrogance

While this symptom list may be helpful, it is important to be able to identify very specific types of narcissists in specific life situations, so that you may employ specific strategies for dealing with them.  In this spirit, the aim of this article is to help readers identify 10 unique types of narcissists and positive pro-social ways in which they can be dealt with.

The Self-Centered Narcissist

The Self-Centered Narcissist is the most basic and truest variation of narcissists.  Like Narcissus from Greek Mythology, these narcissists are so inwardly focused, that they would not be able to see the word past their own reflections.  You can spot these narcissists by the number of times they gaze in the mirror, their endless selfies, their selfish demands, and their lack of consideration for others.   As an example, during an outing, the Self-Centered Narcissist may ask you to take pictures of them, and will not turn that request into a 20-minute photo shoot if you let them.  These narcissists is so self-centered, that they do not know their limits with others.   The point is, the rest of the world is invisible to self-centered narcissists who cannot see past their image, their ideas, and their demands. The best way to deal with these narcissists is to love them and meet their very basic human needs while ignoring their self-centered demands and desires.

The Needy Narcissist

All narcissists seek to have their needs and desires met.  However, some narcissists specialize in getting people to carry them completely.  Meet the Needy Narcissists, also refered to as Dependent Narcissists.  These narcissists can be identified by the fact that they have a constant never-ending stream of needs.  They behave like powerless babies who always need others to help them with basic skills that they should already have mastered.  They are also good at getting others to complete tasks, make decisions, fulfill roles, and carry out responsibilities that are expected of them.  And, while others are holding the bag, the Dependent Narcissists are in heavy pursuit of their own self-interests.   This would include students who produce minimal efforts on group assignments, roommates who neglect household responsibilities in hopes that others will pick up the tasks, or parents who delegate child-rearing responsibilities to their spouses, parents, siblings, or older children.  Dependent Narcissist may also include co-workers who still require a great degree of hand-holding to complete work responsibilities.  The whole modus operandi of the Dependent Narcissist revolves around getting others to relieve them of the unpleasant responsibilities that are essential to their survival.   Such a narcissist may have a touch of Dependent Personality Disorder, which would make it even more difficult for them to take responsibility for their lives.  A great way of dealing with this narcissist is through redirection, encouragement, and empowerment.  When they try to shift tasks and responsibilities onto you, redirect the task back to them, with the assurance that they have the power competence to resolve their responsibilities on their own.   They will be much better for it.

The Histrionic Narcissist

Seeking attention is a natural part of the human experience.  We seek attention to pass important information, signal distress, entertain or attract a romantic interest.  However, Histrionic Narcissists are extreme in their attention seeking.  Their mission in life seems to be aimed at getting other to pay attention only to them above all others and will even compete for this attention.  These narcissists may dominate the conversation, speak the loudest, go off script in an important well-planned event, cake on the most make-up, or spay on an immense amount of cologne, all for the purpose of getting people to acknowledge and remain focused on them.  These narcissists are also likely to have Histrionic Personality Disorder. An effective positive way of dealing with Histrionic Narcissists is by ignoring their attention-getting antics, while responding with admiration to any attempt on their part to engage others.  By doing this, you will extinguish their messy attention-seeking behavior, while reinforcing their more positive and socially appropriate behavior.  The best part is that you will be reinforcing appropriate behaviors using the one thing that Histrionic Narcissists crave, which is your attention.

The Borderline Narcissist

Borderline Narcissists are the most dangerous of all narcissists.  Any disagreement with these narcissists will be interpreted as a betrayal, which will make you their top enemy.  These narcissists are likely to have Borderline Personality Disorder and may present with extremely unstable relationship patterns with intense and rocky attachments to others.  They categorize people at the extremes, by either loving or hating them, which is where the narcissism comes in.  Borderline Narcissists only love and tolerate the people who agree with them, indulge their ideas and fantasies, and who work to stay on their good side.  Conversely, they hate and disapprove of anyone to departs from their worldview, which includes their expectations, their desires, and their biases.  They do not tolerate anything or anyone who is not similar to them and may even project their own identity and beliefs onto others to make sense of the world.  Any departure is deemed an abandonment and is usually duly punished.  If you happen to share minds with this narcissist, then you are temporarily safe.  However, you would have to go out of your way to remain on the same page to maintain the status quo, which is exhausting, ingenuine, and unrealistic.  Here is a better plan, be kind to the Borderline Narcissist while keeping a healthy distance.  You are better off not becoming a part of their crazy, dysfunctional, and highly self-focused social system in the first place.

The Reciprocating Narcissist

The Reciprocating Narcissist is the most skilled of all narcissists.  They are highly observant and are fully aware of who you are, what you like, and how you feel on any given day.   More interestingly, they are quite adept at using this information to get you to focus on them and provide favor on their behalf.  This brings to mind a familiar social game call the “You Da Man” game.  This game involves appraising someone by telling them, “you da man!!” in exchange for having them respond by saying “No, you da man!!”, which can go on forever.  In the case of the Reciprocating Narcissist, they are able to reflect positive attributes of others for the sole purpose of getting others to focus on them, thereby becoming the most important person in the lives of others.  The main aim of Reciprocating Narcissists is to do just enough for others in order to keep others focusing on them and to cultivate favors from others.  They want to become the most valuable member of others’ families, organizations, societies, or circle of friends, which will create a windfall of positive attention and reciprocal favors.  When this is achieved in one setting or for one person, the Reciprocating Narcissist will then work to keep the focus and favors going for themselves, while continuing this pattern again elsewhere for a new narcissistic high. Worse off, the Reciprocating Narcissist will eventually and aggressively call in their past good deeds to manipulate expensive favors on their behalf.  You can deal with the Reciprocating Narcissist simply by first acknowledging good their deeds, then by abruptly transitioning to other important priorities and people.  Do not get trapped in the web of favor by this narcissist.   There are 2 very specialized kinds of Reciprocating Narcissists, which are the Care-Taking Narcissists and the First-Responding Narcissists.  These narcissist types are discussed below.

The Care Taking Narcissist

Care-Taking Narcissists takes care of others for a calculated return.  They are more than willing to provide care, support, prayers, and even love, for the purpose of being seen doing the deed, so that they are the subject of admiration and/or reward.  They crave the kind of attention that brings the reverence and respect of others.  In addition, they enjoy the power that they obtain by being seen as a source of strength for others.   Care-Taking Narcissists can be distinguished from genuine caretakers by one particular characteristic.  They are typically hostile toward people who do not turn to them for support.  In this regard, they have absolute disdain for people who do not need them because these individuals do not feed their narcissistic supply.  The most positive way to deal with this sort of narcissist is respect and admire who they are, and point them in the direction where they are most needed.  This works out well for both the narcissist and the people who will rely on them.

The First-Responding Narcissist

The First-Responding Narcissist is another variation of the Reciprocating Narcissist.  In this age of disaster and tragedy, we need genuine, well-trained, and well-meaning emergency first-responders to prevent crisis and save lives.  However, First Responding Narcissists are not responding to emergencies to ensure the well-being of others.  Much like the Care-Taking Narcissists, they want to be seen doing the deed, and ultimately revered and rewarded as heroes.  The Narcissists gets 3 rewards here.  The first is the adrenaline rush that comes with racing to the emergency.  The second is the applause of admiring onlookers.  And, the third is the possibility of receiving a commendation.  First-Responding Narcissists do not believe in being unsung heroes and can be identified by the rage and indignation displayed when they are not glorified for crisis response.  You can deal with this narcissist positively by repeatedly expressing gratitude and recognition for their work.

The Malingering Narcissist

We all get sick.  Some of us have even called out sick just to take a much-needed break from work.  However, Malingering Narcissists take sickness a step further.  They are likely to lie about being sick or exaggerate minor illness symptoms in order to gain constant attention from others.   It is easy to spot these individuals by asking them how they are doing.  They will often respond with a long-winded story about the headache that could be sign cancer, or the joint pain that could be a degenerative life ending disease, or the fact that they are feeling dizzy and can faint any moment, or the heart discomfort that is making them feel the eventual onset of a heart attack or the dying relative who has an unspecified condition with an unspecified life expectancy, or whatever.  Malingering Narcissists always have critical conditions to report, with an ultimate goal of keeping people thinking about and focusing on them.  They may even become more sinister in their efforts by collecting prayers, social support, and resources in response to their made up or exaggerated dilemmas.   No good can come from challenging the validity of their claims.  They’ll just self-victimize and manipulate support from others by spreading the word about your vicious insensitive attack.  The best thing you can do for Malingering Narcissists is to give them the benefit of the doubt, offer kind words, hope for the best, and quickly move on.  It is not necessary to offer anything more.

The Self-Loathing Narcissist

Much like the Malingering Narcissists, Self Loathing Narcissists spin tales of misfortune in order to keep others focused on them and doing for them.  They are not to be confused with people who truly struggle to see themselves in a positive light, like those who suffer from low self-esteem or depression.  These individuals use self-defeating and self-doubting statements to manipulate people into focusing on them and doing things for them.  In fact, they pride themselves on their ironic ability to get others to serve and follow them by putting themselves down.  You can take a more directive encouragement approach when dealing with Self-Loathing Narcissists.  For example,  if a narcissist says “I am such a loser” with the intent to keep your company and gain your favor, you can respond to the manipulation by saying “I highly doubt that; keep working hard.” Then move on before any requests are made.

The Aesthetic Narcissist

The word “aesthetic” refers to either a concern with beauty or an appreciation of beauty.  While most people can appreciate beauty and art, Aesthetic Narcissists are beauty snobs who are only concerned with their own beauty or associating with anything related to their biased standard of beauty.   The Aesthetic Narcissists do not see people as they are.  Instead, they rank and select people only according to their beauty bias, thereby separating people into attractive or unattractive categories.  For many of these narcissists, beauty is power; so, they feel as if they can boost their beauty and power by only associating with people who they feel are attractive by their standard.   Other Aesthetic Narcissists may purposely affiliate closely with people that they know are not as attractive as they are to ensure that they are the most physically attractive individual in the group. Aesthetic Narcissists can be identified by their obsessive and divisive preoccupation with physical beauty, which may manifest as follows:

• Creating exclusive groups or cliques that are open only to those deemed attractive.
• Only complimenting people on their physical beauty.
• Being pleasant only with people deemed attractive
• Ignoring or rarely associating with people deemed unattractive.
• Talking poorly about those deemed unattractive.
• Mistreating or bullying  those deemed less attractive
• Creating a social circle based on their own biased beauty-driven caste system.
• Only “loving” relatives (especially children)  that are deemed attractive
• Disowning relatives (especially children) deemed unattractive.
• Taking group selfies only with those deemed attractive while excluding the rest.

Aesthetic Narcissists live a life of self-imposed misery due to the fact that they cannot appreciate people who do not fit neatly within their distorted standard of beauty.  The most positive way to deal with these narcissists is to not play by their selective and divisive rules.  Instead be a model of dignity, respect, and inclusion for all people, no matter what their differences are.  Make it known that you recognize beauty and love no matter what package it comes in.

The Seductive Narcissist

Charm and seduction are important in the romantic courtship process.  The main aim is to hopefully seduce toward a meaningful, fulfilling, and happy relationship.  The Seductive Narcissist does not see it this way.  In fact, these narcissists are not interested in relationships at all.  Their main purpose for seduction is to get something very specific from the target.  They are not just seeking attention.  They are after tangible goods such as money, status, opportunity, or service.  Seductive Narcissists are really good at choosing needy targets well.  They look to seek specific goods from the following:

• People who feed off of attention
• People who have lower self-esteem
• People who are lonely
• People who are seeking love

Once Seductive Narcissists have what they desire from their targets, the charm, seduction, and phony relatedness stops.  They may even cut the target off cold, ending all communication.  Seductive Narcissists tend to shy away from people who do not respond to their phony interest and advances.  In this regard, the most positive way to deal with the Seductive Narcissist is to treat them with the same friendly energy that you give to all of your acquaintances. In addition, let them see that you are surrounded by genuine life-long friendships, true love, and mutual undying respect.  Once they see this, they are likely to move on.

If you found this article to be helpful and informative, please share it with others.  Also, feel free to comment below about your experiences with narcissism.

Featured Image by Tom Sodoge on Unsplash