By Dr. Z.
So, you were raised by an alcoholic. You know all too well about the chaos, confusion, and discord that you had to witness, and the pain that it caused. To recall some examples, you always had to overly explain mild errors and common mistakes that were to be expected of a child your age. Or, you witnessed more alcohol-fueled violence in the home than any child had to witness growing up. During these drunken rages, you may have been beaten unmercifully for things that were insignificant. Or, you could not reliably sleep, eat, study, or enjoy your play time as a child because the narcissistic and self-indulged alcoholic parent could not focus on your needs. Or, perhaps you always had to lie and cover for your alcoholic parent. Moreover, you had to think about every word that came out of your mouth out of fear of severe consequences. You could not have friends for company, playdates, or sleepovers. You were not allowed to explore friendships in a normal way. You were forced to do chores and work in ways that were excessive and abusive for a child. And, you grew to be either overly fearful or defiant toward other authority figures as a teenager. Because of your parents’ alcoholism, they were either uninvolved or irresponsible. In this regard, they could not love or protect you; you may have moved often because bills were not paid; your peers avoided you; and, other children and adults targeted you for bullying. As a result, you felt sad and as if you did not belong anywhere. Fast forward to adulthood, and you are still scarred and traumatized by your upbringing in an alcoholic home. You now exhibit the classic telltale signs of an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA). The late Dr. Janet Woititz outlined 13 specific characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs):
- Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) guess at what normal behavior is.
- ACOAs have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
- ACOAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
- ACOAs judge themselves without mercy.
- ACOAs have difficulty having fun.
- ACOAs take themselves very seriously.
- ACOAs have difficulty with intimate relationships.
- ACOAs overreact to changes over which they have no control.
- ACOAs constantly seek approval and affirmation.
- ACOAs usually feel that they are different from other people.
- ACOAs are super responsible or super irresponsible.
- ACOAs are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
- ACOAs are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.
To add a few, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs) may also exhibit the following tendencies:
- ACOAs may be afraid to stand up for themselves and are likely to apologize when they do.
- ACOAs may have poor boundaries.
- ACOAs may tend to be doormats who are easily manipulated.
- ACOAs may tend to restrain their rage until they explode.
- ACOAs may have an unusually high preference for alcohol, illicit substances, or other addictive activity.
- ACOAs may become workaholics
- ACOAs may end up cycling in and out of relationships or marriages because of their issues.
- ACOAs may tend to be uptight, rigid, harsh, or even cruel to their family members and subordinates.
- ACOAs may tend to be perfectionists to the point of procrastinating or not accomplishing goals.
Given the characteristics and tendencies highlighted above, life is quite difficult for most ACOAs. The aim of this article is to EMPOWERer ACOAs with life-improvement strategies for healthier and more positive adulthood. These strategies are presented below.
1. Embrace the Painful Truth of the Past- Then Let Go
The first step toward a healthy and EMPOWERed life and future is to face the truth and pain of the past. Do not avoid the painful truth by putting up phony defenses, or by telling yourself that your childhood hardships built character and made you tougher. Let’s be clear. Abusive and neglectful alcoholic parenting has never raised a healthy child. The truth is, being a child of an alcoholic was painful and unfair to you. Embrace that truth first; and, recognized that it was not your fault. Many of your adult shortcomings today were probably due to the unfair burdens of the past. While you cannot change the past, you can certainly be honest about it and release it so that you can move forward into your positive and more EMPOWERed future without baggage. Let’s get you started right now with some simple preliminary ways to emotionally let go of the painful past:
- Write a letter to yourself describing what happened to you, then destroy it.
- Set up a chair in an isolated room. Let that chair represent the alcoholic parent. Then, tell them about themselves and how they hurt you. Scream if necessary.
- Write a no-holds-barred letter telling the alcoholic parent how they have hurt you. Put it in a blank envelope with no address, then drop it in a mailbox.
- Share your pain with someone you trust and love, or share out loud alone in the mirror, and allow yourself to cry it out.
- Schedule an appointment with a mental health provider.
- Forgiveness is an important but more advanced step in the process, which comes much later.
When you as an ACOA face, embrace, then release the truth of the past. you are then ready for the remaining EMPOWERing strategies toward healthier adult life and positive future.
2. EMPOWER Yourself Through a Higher POWER
The greatest way for an ACOA to EMPOWER themselves is to reach for a higher power. This can be a belief in whomever or whatever represents a higher power for you (i.e. God, the Creator, the Most High, etc). The main purpose here is to draw on a source of healing higher than yourself so that you may be EMPOWERed toward healing, growth, and change.
3. Seek Trusted Professionals, Life Role Models, or Mentors
As an ACOA, you may be able to heal on your own, but it is highly unlikely. ACOAs spent an entire childhood learning to adapt to a dysfunctional upbringing only to become adults who trying to figure out how to be normal, only to miss the mark. It is not likely that you can read a book, listen to motivational speeches, follow televised evangelists, and or read inspiring memes and completely change your life. These acts are certainly great first steps, but, deeper and more meaningful support is needed. You will need patent and nurturing people working with you to teach you how to value yourself, how to make healthy choices, how to avoid chaotic life circumstances, and how to grow toward more positive outcomes.
The most obvious people who can serve as role models are people with professional training. This may include professionally trained mental health providers, pastoral counselors, or life coaches. However, your choices are not limited to therapeutic supports. There are support groups with peer models who understand what it was like to live as an ACOA and now live a better life. There is also an abundance of healthy people willing to share their knowledge and experiences. For example, a healthy older couple may mentor both you and your spouse toward your own healthier marriage. Also, an older healthier co-worker may take you under their wing and instruct you in ways that allow you to become a better professional with healthy boundaries. The point is, you cannot improve your life on your own. You need the support of people who can EMPOWER you by serving as role models and mentors on your road to a healthier life.
4. Practice Standing Up for Your Self
Standing up for yourself may seem as if it is easier said than done. However, this is more of an urban legend than fact. The truth is that people respect and support people who stand up for themselves, no matter how they grew up. In fact, people trust and follow those who are able to stand up for themselves. Also, bullies and manipulators fear people who rapidly and aggressively stand Knowing those facts should encourage you to always stand up for yourself. Speak your mind; communicate your needs; and most importantly, be assertive. Practice assertiveness techniques such as:
- Clarifying facts about yourself when they are inaccurate
- Correcting pronunciation or spelling of your name
- Stopping people from cutting you off mid-speech
- Answering only one question at a time at your own pace
- Stating when something makes you uncomfortable
- Saying no quickly and often as needed when you are presented with unreasonable requests
If being assertive still proves to be difficult for you, find a trusted person who is well versed at being assertive to become your “Assertiveness Partner.” Ask this person to hold you accountable and to remind you to be assertive when it is clear that people are trying to push you over.
5. Lighten Your Load
A great way to gain more strength is to lighten your load. ACOAs always seem to shoulder extra burdens. They have a tendency to be the workhorse in any group that are a part of. For example, if there is a group picnic at 11:30 am, the ACOA buys all of the food a day in advanced, wakes up at 4:30 AM to set up the camp site, drives back to the city through traffic to pick up picnic goers, then spends 3 hours into the night packing and cleaning up the campsite. All the while, the ACOA was actually just an invited guest, not an organizer. But, because ACOAs tend to be people-pleasers, that routinely take on more than they should. People watching the spectacle scoff at the ACOA without admiration. It also teaches others that the ACOA is a workhorse. The only solution is to STOP!! Carry only your appropriate load of responsibilities. Also, set appropriate limits with others. If you are asked to do more than your share, say no quickly and often. Do not be the workhorse or hero of the group. Stop working for free. Lighten your load, and you will have more time and freedom to engage in meaningful activities that EMPOWER you.
6. Establish Solid Boundaries
Another important road to healthy adulthood involves protecting your boundaries. We will present another article on strategies for establishing good boundaries. But for quick reference here, great boundaries involve the following:
- Saying no to unnecessary and unpleasant favors
- Not sharing too much information.
- Not letting people pressure you into relationships
- Not taking on roles that are beyond your scope of responsibility
- Not giving away too much too soon
- Not being on the receiving end of long-winded self-centered one-sided conversations
- Not serving entitled people
- Not allowing inappropriate jokes and pranks
Great ways to establish boundaries are as follows:
- Get to know people at a slow and deliberate pace before sharing gifts and information
- Slow down the love. People should not hear “I love you” after just meeting you.
- Say No quickly and often (We cant say this enough).
- Work and operate within the limits of your agreed upon roles and responsibilities.
- Set hard limits with people who try to cross your boundaries.
7. Define Your Own Path
ACOAs tend to let others define who they are. This is just another please people. For example, when an ACOA joins a book talk, the overbearing facilitator gives the ACOA one glance and says “you can be our scribe…”, to which the ACOA agrees. Also, some ACOAs end up being the chauffeur, errand runner, or caretaker in a group, despite being the most accomplished person there. ACOAs are especially likely to allow people tell them what career path or life goals to take on, without considering their own interests and aspirations. This is definitely a WRONG. The best thing that you can do is be who you are and take your own path. Be a WIZZY-WIG. This is a makeshift acronym that refers to the “what you see is what you get” (WYSIWYG) credo. Practice this ideology and do not let others force their ideas of what you should be on to you.
8. Go Easy On Yourself
ACOAs are incredibly hard on themselves. While it is admirable to take responsibility for your actions, the ACOA takes this trait to the next level by absorbing the blame for everyone’s actions. They are used to making remarks such as:
- It’s all my fault…
- I should have known better…
- This falls on me…
- I am solely responsible…
- I’m so so sorry I let everyone down…
- How could I have been so… whatever…
All of these statements have one thing in common. The ACOA has a sickening tendency to take it all on and blame themselves for everything. When others see this, they readily and happily relinquish their faulty roles and responsibilities for error and join in on the critical chorus aimed at the ACOA. Here is a well known secret: People follow your lead when learning how to treat you. If you are harsh with yourself, work like a slave, and take the blame for everything, people will follow-up by using you and mistreating you. On the other hand, if you treat yourself well, give yourself breaks, and go easy on yourself, people are more likely to enjoy your company and treat you well. So, be good to yourself.
9. Make FUN a Top Priority
This strategy is a no-brainer. You need fun as much as you need food, water, love, and air. You cannot live without fun. Yet, ACOAs try, to the point of avoiding fun all together. Also, when they attempt to have fun, it usually involves awkwardly trying out someone else’s idea of having fun, which deepens the anxiety about fun. So for this strategy, you will need to reflect on what makes YOU happy and what gives YOU joy. If nothing comes to mind, you will have to search for something that sounds like fun. Go on the internet and search for a list of fun ideas that take you out of the house. Think about what your favorite books or TV shows are, and find movies that within those genres. Also, you can find a fun favorite skill-based hobby group and attend regularly, or master the hobby on your own. The bottom line is that you need fun to live and enjoy life. So have some fun.
10. Think before Engaging
ACOAs are impulsive and are likely to jump into decisions and activities without thinking. This is especially true when responsibilities are involved. For example, ACOAs typically end up volunteering for arduous and unpleasant tasks, joining committees that require many hours of participation, or saying yes to out-of-the-way favors. Many times, ACOAs engage without thinking, because they were conditioned to do so at childhood. For instance, they had to do what they were told without question, even if it did not make sense. Here is a quick and simple way to avoid this dilemma. When presented with an unpleasant or unusual request or proposition, excuse yourself by saying, “let me think about it.” The moment you feel pressured to give your answer is the moment you should quickly say no and move on.
11. Reserve Loyalty for Well-Deserving Loved-Ones
ACOAs and other adult children of dysfunctional pasts tend to become too loyal too easily and too quickly. They actively choose to become like a loyal pet, often for manipulative and exploitive people. For example, within days of joining a staff, the ACOA will quickly pair up with a coworker who is the office alpha queen and end up buying lunch, relaying, messages, carrying accessories, being supportive, screening phone calls, and guarding the gate for this person. They take on the persona of a servant, usually for acceptance and friendship. The common factor here is that the servitude is always unrequited, and almost always leads to an exploitive relationship. Let’s turn this trait around. Instead of throwing your self at others’ feet, lets trying vetting them so as to have them earn your affection. Respect everyone, but make them work for your loyalty. And, even then, ration the appropriate amount of loyalty based on the scope of the acquaintanceship. For example, just because you have worked and bowled with a co-worker for over 10 years, it does not necessarily mean you should surprise them with a random birthday gift. On the other hand, you may have known a friend and neighbor for only 3 years. But in that time, this individual has watched your children, checked on your house when you were on vacation, went to your uncle’s funeral, and visited you in the hospital when you were sick. This person is more worthy of such a gift. Use good judgment and reserve your loyalty for precious loved ones.
12. Forgive your Acoholic Parents
We have saved the hardest for last. ACOAs will experience the most freedom and positive health when they forgive. This seems outrageous. It was your alcoholic parents that brought you into an early life of pain and heartache in the first place. Why on earth would anyone forgive them? Well, forgiveness is not for them. It is for you. Dr. Z’s famous law of forgiveness is this: Forgiveness relieves the pain of an offense while giving you POWER over the offender. Every year and moment that you remain angry and bitter with your parents gives your more heartache, more misery, more trauma, and more tears. In some cases, you still experience the heart, pain, and abuse long after your parents have sobered up, found God, developed careers, moved on in life, or even died. The ghostly alcoholic parent of the past still runs the show, only this time, you are allowing it. There is only one remedy. Forgive your parents. Do not give their demons more power by hating and resenting them. Let go of the past, let go of the anger, love and forgive, and move into a brighter future with an EMPOWERed YOU!!
EMPOWERING BONUS: Never Refer to Yourself as an ACOA
Since you read this article to the end, we are rewarding you with a bonus strategy. You are now an EMPOWERed healthy adult. Your past is now behind you, with more healthy years ahead of you. So, drop the label. You may have discovered that you were an adult child of an alcoholic, but you do not have to remain one. Take on a new title. Instead, be EMPOWERed, and live well.
Featured image by Daniel Garcia on Unsplash